Jerry Sandusky was found guilty of 45 counts of sexual abuse a week ago. Despite the verdict, important questions should continue to be asked. Why didn’t the assistant football coaches do something? Why didn’t the school administration do something? But the biggest, most pointed question is, “How in the world was Sandusky able to prey on so many young boys for so long?”
From our perspective, Sandusky would not have been able to do what he did had he not had access to so many boys growing up in father-absent homes.
Ronnie Polaneczky of the Philadelphia Inquirer brings up this point in her column, Sandusky case underscores importance of fathers. She asks, "What if so many of Sandusky's victims hadn't needed father figures in the first place?" She answers her own question: “This never would've happened.”
Sandusky intentionally surrounded himself with children from homes that didn’t have involved fathers by starting a foundation, The Second Mile, dedicated to helping boys from “disadvantaged” homes.
Polanecksky writes, “I'd bet my own dad's hypertension meds that Sandusky never would've groomed those Second Milers for sex had the children had active fathers whose wrath Sandusky might've feared.”
Of Sandusky's known victims, six had no father in their lives and three admitted to never having known their dads. On the witness stand, many of the boys said they thought of Sandusky as the father they'd never had.
One boy said, he (Sandusky) "treated me like a son in front of other people.” Another victim testified, "I looked at Jerry as kind of a father figure...I didn't want to lose somebody actually paying attention to me."
NFI understands children have an innate need for their fathers’ affirmation and attention. “Children have a hole in their soul the shape of their fathers,” says NFI President Roland Warren. And we know from decades of research that fathers matter. Whether a father is in the home and involved or not changes just about everything – for good or ill.
Sadly, folks like Sandusky know this and prey on children with absent fathers. Like drug dealers or gang leaders, they exploit what they recognize as a weakness or vulnerability in a child craving adult male attention.
To note, this is what DC sniper Lee Malvo said about how John Muhammad caught him up in his web: “Anything he asked me to do I'd do. He knew I didn't have a father. He knew my weaknesses and what was missing.”
We also know through social science research that children from father-absent homes are far more likely to suffer physical and sexual abuse than those growing up in two-parent families.
Economics will not fix this problem. Needy children exist in wealthy homes, too. Only a society willing to educate and train up a generation on the importance of fatherhood can change this problem.
In other words, we need to get to the root by asking the most-pointed question more often: “Why were these kid’s victimized?” More often than not, the answer is going to be because their fathers weren’t there to protect them physically and emotionally.
Photo credit
Father's Day is over. June is on its way out the door.
But NFI made a promise, we are holding to our promise of "Celebrating Father's Month."
This is our last video interview and the last is ceratianly not least. In fact, we saved our very own NFI President for last.
Remember what this campaign was about - we at NFI think dad deserves more than one day. We featured dads throughout the month, simply as a reminder to celebrate the dads in our lives.
Today, meet Roland Warren, NFI President and Chief Dad.
Roland has two sons, ages 27 and 29. Watch Roland talk about the lamest gift he ever gave his dad, why clothes are so important for fathers (yes, clothes) and what he's most looking forward to at this stage of fatherhood (watch out Warren men!).
When you see Roland talk fatherhood, be inspired to celebrate the dad in your life today.
For tips and tools on how to connect fathers with kids during this month and beyond, sign up for our Dad Email.
Meet the rest of the NFI Dads who are Celebrating Fathers Month.
The White House recently honored a select group of people who are doing tremendous work in the field of fatherhood. NFI President Roland C. Warren was recognized for his work as a Champion of Change in this field. Written by Warren, this post originally appeared on The White House blog.
My own life and the “life” of the organization I lead have taken similar paths. Let’s start with me. When I was about 7 years old, my parents split up. For a long time, I was frustrated and confused about my feelings for my dad, who became distant and ultimately disconnected from my daily life. I am nearly 50 years old now, and I still carry a wound - a hole in my soul in the shape of my dad. But, there were lots of wounded souls out there who were yearning for their father’s love and attention.
I finally realized that my personal crisis of growing up without my dad was actually a national crisis. And I was deeply inspired to do something about it. Then, National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI) came into my life.
From the moment I heard about the organization in the late 1990s, I knew I wanted to be involved, and by 2001, I was serving as the new president. I felt incredibly blessed that I had been given the opportunity to take my desire to change the world, born of my own personal struggle, and turn it into real action.
I had moved from inspiration to action.
For its first 7 years of existence, NFI played a critical role in putting fatherhood on the national radar screen through research, national public service announcements, media appearances, and advocacy. When I came on board, I wanted that work to continue, but I also wanted to ensure that when a father came to realize that he needed to be a better dad, that he would have somewhere to turn. I wanted to ensure that when an organization – a prison, a hospital, a military base, a church, a Head Start, a YMCA – came to the realization that it had to serve the fathers in its community, that it would have somewhere to turn, too.
Since then, NFI has distributed over 6.1 million fatherhood skill-building materials to fathers and organizations around the country. We have trained nearly 12,000 fatherhood facilitators from over 5,500 organizations on how to deliver high-quality fatherhood programming into their communities. We have worked with all five branches of the military, with prisons in every state, and with community-based organizations, such as Head Starts, YMCAs, Salvation Army, and Catholic Charities. We also have supported countless smaller community-serving organizations, helping them create and execute plans to educate and equip the fathers in their neighborhoods.
On the fatherhood issue, National Fatherhood Initiative has moved the nation from inspiration to implementation.
We have helped turn the growing awareness of the importance of involved, responsible, and committed fatherhood into growing action to give men the skills they need to be the kinds of fathers their children need them to be.
All these years later, I still have moments when I am that lonely boy waiting for my dad. But that pain is now happiness when I think about all the fathers who we have helped connect or reconnect with their children. This important work is changing lives, but more needs to be done. We don’t have a fatherless child to spare.
Roland C. Warren serves as the President of the National Fatherhood Initiative. This content originally appeared on The White House blog.
Watch The White House Champions of Change event here:
Father's Day may be over, but NFI is still "Celebrating Father's Month" because we think dad deserves more than one day! As you probably expected, NFI has a lot of dads on the team.
We're featuring dads as a reminder throughout the month -- to celebrate your dad more than one day. Today, meet Vince DiCaro, NFI Development and Communications.
Vince has a son who's a toddler. Watch Vince recall stories of the lamest gift he's ever given his dad, little league baseball and one thing his dad is always saying.
When you hear Vince's stories, be inspired to celebrate the dad in your life today.
For tips and tools on how to connect fathers with kids during this month and beyond, sign up for our Dad Email.
Meet the rest of the NFI Dads who are Celebrating Father's Month.
Last Father’s Day, Focus on the Family asked “who is your favorite TV dad?” The following choices were given:
- Charles Ingalls (Michael Landon, Little House on the Prairie)
- Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable (Bill Cosby, The Cosby Show)
- Ward Cleaver (Hugh Beaumont, Leave it to Beaver)
- Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith, The Andy Griffith Show)
- Mike Brady (Robert Reed, The Brady Bunch)
- Howard Cunningham (Tom Bosley, Happy Days)
- Steve Douglas (Fred MacMurray, My Three Sons)
- Uncle Bill Davis (Brian Keith, Family Affair)
- Ben Cartwright (Lorne Green, Bonanza)
- Mike Seaver (Alan Thicke, Growing Pains)
- John Walton (Ralph Waites, The Waltons)
- Steven Keaton (Michael Gross, Family Ties)
My favorite TV dad is Charles Ingalls of the Little House series followed by Dr. Huxtable of The Cosby Show.
We watch reruns of Little House on the Prairie (weeknights on the Hallmark Channel) with our kids.
Mr. Ingalls modeled self-sacrifice, integrity, and the value of hard work. He exemplified being rich in faith and joy despite being poor in wealth. He was everyone’s “Pa.” He was tough and rugged but also gentle and emotional when it came to his family. I appreciate how he was loved and respected by his children. According to Laura Ingalls Wilder, it was the preservation of her own dad’s stories that motivated her to write the Little House books that inspired the TV show.
Once in a while, it is also worth it to catch old episodes of The Cosby Show (weeknights on Centric). Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, father of 5 children, emulates the fun but firm dad I wish to become. He adores his wife Claire and is not afraid to lecture his kids about good character and the realities of life. Dr. Huxtable was a cool dad. He let his kids be kids but at the same time taught them to be responsible.
These two shows depict what research says is the best family environment for children: an involved father, a strong marriage, discipline, and values.
This formula is pretty scarce in today’s TV lineup, especially sitcoms.
There are more bad dads than good ones: Tony Soprano (The Sopranos), Walter White (Breaking Bad), Don Draper (Mad Men), Al Bundy (Married With Children), Peter Griffin (Family Guy), George Bluth Sr. (Arrested Development), Arthur Spooner (The King of Queens), Frank Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond) and Frank Constanza (Seinfeld) are some names that come to my mind.
And it seems that these shows and characters are granted more airtime, critical acclaim, and loud applause from networks, the press, and their audiences. Maybe it pays to depict fathers poorly?
The imbalance of bad dads seems to be increasing with every new TV season. For dads like myself who enjoy TV and quality role models for my family, there isn’t much to get excited about.
But thanks to cable reruns, TV dads like Mr. Ingalls and Dr. Huxtable live on, and we can watch them all over again with our families.
Which TV Dad was your favorite from back in the day? Tell us in the comments.
This is a guest post from Jason Bruce. Jason is the social media specialist for the Colson Center and lives in Northern Virginia with his wife and two young children. Follow Jason on Twitter (@JasonBruce) and visit his blog The Living Rice.
During June, NFI is Celebrating Father's Month! Because we think dad deserves more than one day! As you might have guessed, NFI has a lot of dads.
So we're featuring dads as a reminder throughout the month -- to celebrate your dad more than one day. Meet NFI Dad Tim Red, Military Programs.
Tim has four kids ages 21, 19, 16, 13.
What's the lamest gift you ever gave your dad? A tie.
What's the best piece of advice you've ever received about fatherhood? Be present.
What's a good day to you as a dad? Watching a baseball game for my youngest son and my daughter is with me.
What's one thing you wish you could do more? Travel with my kids.
What man most changed your life? My Father.
What's your most memorable moment as a dad? The birth of my daughter.
At this stage, what do you most look forward to as a dad? My youngest son’s last two years of high school, my daughter’s remaining school years, my middle son’s path in the military.
For tips and tools on how to connect fathers with kids during this month and beyond, sign up for our Dad Email.
Meet the rest of the NFI Dads who are Celebrating Father's Month.
All this month, NFI is "Celebrating Father's Month" because we think dad deserves more than one day! We're featuring dads as a reminder throughout the month -- to celebrate dad beyond Father's Day.
Meet Jason Katoski, NFI Finance. Jason has two toddlers. Watch Jason talk Charles Barkley and naptime strategy:
For tips and tools on how to connect fathers with kids during this month and beyond, sign up for our Dad Email.
Meet the rest of the NFI Dads who are Celebrating Father's Month.
I recently attended the 10th annual Cause Marketing Forum (CMF) conference in Chicago to learn about how non-profits and corporate brands can support important causes together. During the conference keynote, musician Kenna made a special appearance to share about Summit on the Summit – a campaign he created raising awareness and funds to provide clean drinking water by climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro.
Working at NFI has given me “fatherhood glasses” and what stuck out to me from Kenna’s story was that it was his dad who inspired him to create this campaign.
Kenna is an Ethiopian-born American musician. He told the audience at CMF that he attempted to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro to celebrate his second album but could not finish due to a reaction to anti-altitude medication.
When his dad asked him why he wanted to climb the mountain, Kenna replied that he felt like he hadn’t reached his life’s mountain yet. His dad reminded him that he had been born at 19,000 feet altitude and perhaps he didn’t need the anti-altitude medication. “You were made to climb that mountain, Kenna,” his dad said. “Maybe you have added something artificial to your life, like the medication, that is keeping you from reaching your life’s mountain.”
Kenna’s dad told him he wanted to dig a well in his native country, Ethiopia, to provide clean drinking water. Though he was born in Ethiopia, Kenna grew up in the United States and he took clean drinking water for granted.
Then, he learned that his dad had almost died from a waterborne disease that left him in great pain through his teen years. This disease killed many others in his community. Around the world, over one billion people lack access to clean, safe drinking water.
Kenna says his father’s experience with this global crisis made him realize his dad did not come to America and provide a good life for his family just so his son could walk a red carpet and be famous. His father’s story and his close relationship with his dad motivated Kenna to help his dad fulfill his dream of providing clean drinking water to his native community and others in need around the world.
Kenna created Summit on the Summit to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro with a team of celebrities (including Lupe Fiasco, Emile Hersch, and Jessica Biel), humanitarian workers, corporate brands like HP, and the United Nations.
The extreme nature of their effort was intended to raise awareness of the extreme need for clean water. Watch a video about this project here.
The campaign was successful! Months later, Kenna returned to Ethiopia, which includes some of the driest parts of the earth, to dig a well 50 yards from where his father had contracted a waterborne illness years before. Kenna continues to campaign for access to clean drinking water even though his climb is done.
Kenna says, “Everything I wanted to accomplish as an artist I had done. I wanted to do something that would impact the world, but I never thought I’d do that by impacting my own family. It’s been the most meaningful existence.”
At NFI, we say “fathers change the world one child at a time.” In this case, Kenna’s father truly made an impact on the world. His relationship with his son motivated his son to devote himself to a cause close to his father.
While your children may not have the celebrity status Kenna was able to leverage for an important cause, you are making a difference everyday by shaping what your children care about and value. You never know what they will be motivated to do because you invested in their life.
How have you been inspired by your dad?
Last Thursday night at around 7:30, my wife and I took our two-and-a-half year old son, Vinny, for a walk. It was a beautiful night, warm with a cool breeze. The sun was just starting to set.
We approached the neighborhood playground and Vinny asked to get out of his stroller so he could go play. His chubby little legs carried him over to the slide, which he promptly climbed and slid down. He was having a blast.
As twilight progressed, the evening took on a magical quality. The air had a golden glow, the fireflies were coming out, and a few stars began appearing in the sky.
I stood next to one of those spiral slides as my son started to climb it. As he came around the bend, he saw me standing there and a big smile came over his face. He said, “Daddy? Daddy?” I answered, “What is it, baby?” He sat down right next to me and looked me in the eyes, still smiling. He just wanted “Daddy,” not something from Daddy.
Under normal circumstances, this would have been a great moment for me as a dad. But that night, it became a “remember-forever” moment that almost made me break down in tears. Because just an hour earlier, my wife and I had left the hospital after a three-day stay in which my son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.
Let’s rewind back to last Tuesday. It had been at least a week during which my son was barely eating, was always thirsty, was constipated, and was wetting his diapers like never before. He was usually in a bad mood. It had really hit me that something was wrong when he was lying down on the changing table and I could see his ribs protruding.
So, I took him to the doctor that morning to see what was going on. They began doing a series of routine tests to see what was wrong. One of those “routine” tests was a blood sugar test that returned a result of 565.
This was when I heard “the word” for the first time. Diabetes. You know, that disease that your Aunt Bertha takes pills for because she’s eaten a few too many of her own apple pies. But in a healthy two-year-old?
At that point, our doctor told me that I should take Vinny to the emergency room so they could do some tests to confirm whether or not it was diabetes. I called my wife, and we met at the hospital 20 minutes later.
After a very short period of time, he was admitted and the diagnosis was confirmed – Type 1 Diabetes. The kind of diabetes that you just “get” and does not go away. The kind where you have to do blood sugar tests and insulin shots every day for the rest of your life.
My wife and I were in shock. It sounds cliché, but we really did not know how to react.
But the doctors were amazing. They immediately began preparing us for the new routine we would have to establish every day with our precious son. We learned carb counting, blood testing, and how to administer insulin shots.
By Thursday night, our new endocrinologist was comfortable enough with where we were in our knowledge and where Vinny’s blood sugar was to let us go home.
I can’t remember ever being so nervous in my life.
We were leaving the security of the hospital and left on our own. What if his blood sugar dropped and he passed out? What if his blood sugar spiked and something terrible happened? My wife and I never paid so much attention to our son’s mood, facial expressions, complexion, and demeanor in our parenting lives… But that is where the magic came from…
One of the best pieces of advice the nurse gave us as we left the hospital was to handle everything in a matter of fact way so that our son wouldn’t get upset. So, to ease our nerves, we went for that walk to the playground where he, in his own little 2-year-old way, showed his affection and appreciation for daddy.
I believe children are wired to crave connection with their parents – God makes them that way. My wife and I both work full time. We spend a lot of time with our son, but never three straight days, 24/7, in the same small room, playing with him, feeding him, reading to him, watching Disney movies together. While our stomachs were churning about his new disease, he was delighting in the fact that mommy and daddy were spending so much time with him.
So when we went for the walk, he was as happy as can be. He didn’t know that mommy and I were bundles of nerves. He just knew we were there, and he loved us for it.
The next few months are going to be tough. We are going to continue adjusting to the reality that our son has an incurable disease that needs constant management. But the silver lining – which I learned about on the playground that night – is that I will become closer than ever to my little boy. And every time he smiles at me, I will thank God that I have been given the opportunity to be the daddy to this wonderful boy, diabetes and all.
During June, NFI is "Celebrating Father's Month" because we think dad deserves more than one day! We're featuring dads as a reminder throughout the month -- to celebrate dad more than one day.
Meet Michael Yudt, NFI Programs. Michael has three boys under the age of four and apparently has a huge Cleveland-Browns-apple-pie-loving dad. Watch Michael talk sons, fathers, apple pie, and all things in between right here:
For tips and tools on how to connect fathers with kids during this month and beyond, sign up for our Dad Email.
Our 2012 Military Fatherhood Award recipient had a big day yesterday!
First Lt. William Edwards enjoyed an extra-special lunch yesterday with President Obama (Photo: ObamaFoodorama).
Edwards was then honored at The White House where NFI's President Roland Warren presented Lt. Edwards with his 2012 Military Fatherhood Award. Warren presented the award to Edwards at The White House "Champions of Change" event.
The USA Today reports, Obama salutes Father's Day with military lunch to honor Father's Day and the military.
Obama lunched with two serviceman and a pair of local barbers involved in the administration's campaign to promote better fatherhood.
"These guys are also young fathers, and they're doing great," Obama said during the lunch at the BBQ smokehouse in northeast Washington.
Obama said: "It turns out that with the father being involved, the kids are less likely to do drugs ... girls are less likely to get pregnant. And so that message is something that we want to make sure gets out there."
Watch video of the lunch here:
President Obama does well to point out that involved fathers matter. Absent fathers change everything. From incarceration and crime to teen pregnancy and childhood obesity (See Statistics on Father Absence).
Edwards is an example of an involved father. Lt. William (Bill) Edwards of the U.S. Army is the 2012 Military Fatherhood Award Winner.
Edwards is based at Fort Jackson in South Carolina where he lives with his wife of 13 years, Esther, and their four children. Lt. Edwards uses his musical and cinematic talents to stay connected with his four children before, during, and afterhis deployments. He was deployed with the 3rd Infantry Division Band in 2007-2008 for 14 months in Iraq.
Click here for more information on NFI's Fatherhood Award.
During the entire month of June, NFI is Celebrating Father's Month! Because we think dad deserves more than one day! As you may have assumed, NFI has a lot of dads. So we're featuring dads as a reminder throughout the month -- to celebrate your dad more than one day. Meet Erik below:
Name: Erik Vecere
NFI Team: VP of National Programming
Number of Kids & Ages: 2 daughters, ages 18 and 12
What's the lamest gift you ever gave your dad?
A bottle of aftershave.
What's the best piece of advice you've ever received about fatherhood?
The best thing I can do for my daughters is to love my wife (I saw it modeled from my dad and it was reinforced by NFI).
What's a good day to you as a dad?
When I can make my daughters laugh uncontrollably.
What's the one thing you always carry with you (you can’t leave home without this)?
iPod
What's one thing you wish you could do more?
Have jam sessions with my daughters (we all play instruments).
What man most changed your life? The previous pastor at my church because he showed me you can be a Christian and still have fun!
What's your most memorable moment as a dad? Being thanked by my daughter for interviewing her dates.
What’s one thing your dad always taught you?
Be a man of your word.
At this stage of fatherhood, to what do you most look forward?
Seeing my daughters make wise relationship choices and start families of their own.
For tips and tools on how to connect fathers with kids beyond this month, sign up for our Dad Email.
We're excited to let you know that our very own president, Roland Warren, will be recognized by The White House as a Champion of Change in responsible fatherhood on Wednesday, June 13.
Champions of Change: Winning the Future Across America is an initiative of The White House that shows:
The best ideas come from the American People. All across the country, ordinary Americans are doing extraordinary things in their communities to out-innovate, out-educate and out-build the rest of the world.
Watch the live stream of the Champions of Change event on Wednesday from 1:00 to 2:30p.m. EST at http://www.whitehouse.gov/live.
We are humbled and honored to have Roland receive this recognition for his many years of work to promote responsible fatherhood in our society.
As you most likely know, Roland is passionate about connecting fathers heart-to-heart with their children. We're very proud of the impact he has made through his service at National Fatherhood Initiative.
If you would like to send Roland a note of congratulations, you may comment on this blog post below.
We hope you'll join us online to see Roland honored at The White House.
Thanks for your support of our work.
Last month at Pampers Cincinnati, OH headquarters, NFI president Roland C. Warren presented the big baby care brand with a Fatherhood Award™ for its “A Parent is Born,” “Welcome to Parenthood,” and “Love Comes Early” video series.
If you haven’t seen these online mini-documentaries, check them out as a Father’s Day treat. They really do an incredible job of showing how important it is for fathers to be involved in the “peri-natal period” (the time right before and after the birth of a child).
Pampers is a rare breed in the baby care world in that they are one of a few brands that understands the role dads can and should play in this area. Sure, moms still buy more diapers than dads do, but according to all the research we’ve done and seen, moms are more likely to support brands that support fathers. Moms don’t want brands letting dads off the hook.
To celebrate and commemorate the Fatherhood Award™ recognition, Pampers is unveiling new rewards in its “Pampers Gifts to Grow” catalog that are very dad-centric - BBQ tool sets, professional-caliber golf balls, stainless steel water bottle gift sets, and headphones, to name a few.
This quote from Fama Francisco, Pampers General Manager perfectly sums up Pampers enlightened understanding of this issue: "Pampers recognizes that today’s fathers want to be involved in the very important role of nurturing their babies and acknowledges that it is just as important for dad – as it is for mom - to bond with baby too. With all the attention on expectant and new moms, the role of an expectant or new father can sometimes be overshadowed. That's why this Fatherhood Award™ honor is a special thrill. Whether it's been via our web-based real parenting video series or our past partnerships with the likes of great dads, Pampers is committed to honoring and celebrating dads for the unique role they play in their babies lives!”
We love this! Especially the part about the “unique role” that dads play. Again, research shows that the different approaches that moms and dads take to child care have a significant, positive impact on child well being.
We thank Pampers for their dedication to fatherhood, and commend them for doing work that will last far beyond this Father’s Day.
Dad deserves more than one day. So NFI is Celebrating Father's Month! Check out NFI Dad Paul Byus to learn more about him and how he celebrates fatherhood.
You only have a few days left to get Dad something special for Father's Day? Instead of adding to his tie collection, give a gift that will make a difference and celebrate his impact in your life.
Since WIRED’s June cover for National Geek Dad Day released, some folks have been buzzing about whether the tech magazine is singling out dads too much. NFI praises WIRED for celebrating dads and encouraging intentional time with their kids. The haters just don’t get it.
The current issue instructs dads on "How to be a Geek Dad," by building hovercrafts, making electric play-doh, building forts with broomsticks and string, and basically being the coolest, most amazing dads ever.
But some aren’t happy with Geek Dad Day. Specifically, Katie J.M. Baker at Jezebel writes an article titled, “Wired Magazine Can’t Seem to Stop Alienating Women” and thinks the magazine shouldn’t single out and celebrate men, even on Father’s Day.
After Baker complains about the number of female contributors and lack of features written by women at WIRED, she asks, “shouldn't a magazine that markets itself as a general interest publication know better?” Sadly, Baker is fighting her battle on the wrong day in the wrong way.
Father absence is a real problem – it matters. Twenty-four million children in America -- one out of three – don’t have dads in the home. Father absence is linked to poverty, crime, teen pregnancy, and education. Whether a father is absent or present impacts society – for good or for ill.
The father factor in education is one such example. The National Center for Education Statistics says half of all children with involved fathers reported getting mostly A's through 12th grade, compared to 35.2% of children with absent fathers. Any effort encouraging dads to “Grab your safety glasses and your kids…” is worth applauding, especially around Father’s Day.
Do we not celebrate what we want more of, like birthdays and anniversaries? If we want more good dads, we should celebrate them. Father’s Day is not the day to debate gender issues, it’s a time to celebrate dads.
Given the dramatic need for more and better dads, we should celebrate any effort encouraging dads to be engaged with their kids; especially when we see plenty dumb, ineffective and disengaged dads every other day of the year in media. On the other hand, mothers are generally portrayed as competent parents. (Of note, we have not seen Baker address this clear inequality.)
Baker writes that WIRED’s idea of exploring science is great; she only wants it to be for all parents, not just dads. She asks two questions, “Why does it have to be marketed towards dads?” and “Why do publishers seem confused that "girls can geek out too?” Baker continues, “Adult women can geek out, too, which is why covers like these piss off some of the magazine's female fans.”
Baker criticizes WIRED for not engaging all parents; but do we not see fathers missing from media every day of the year? Plus, good fathers are a benefit to mothers. When we celebrate fathers we are helping mothers. Specifically, 93% of mothers agreed (67% strongly agreed) that there is a father absence crisis in this country (see Mama Says).
I disagree with Baker when she writes that the current issue of WIRED should “piss off” women. Of course we need more "geek women." But, getting fathers involved will actually create more geek women. Geek fathers have sons AND daughters. Geek fathers have a unique opportunity to mentor their daughters. Research shows girls with involved fathers score at significantly higher levels than those without fathers (See Father Facts).
The Geek Dad issue of WIRED encourages dads to grab safety glasses and their children, we applaud WIRED and encourage more companies to be creative with involving dads in the lives of their children.
We should celebrate and encourage geek men to be good geek fathers, because they will have geek daughters, who become geek women, who become geek mothers.
Pass me the safety glasses. If being a Geek Dad is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
During the month of June, NFI plans to Celebrate Father's Month! That's right, month. We think dads deserve more than one day! During June, we will get to know NFI dads and learn how to celebrate fathers more than one day. Meet our first NFI dad below:
Name: Chris Brown
NFI Team: Executive Team
Number of kids & ages: 2 girls, ages 17 and 14
What's the lamest gift you ever gave your dad? I honestly don’t remember.
What's the best piece of advice you've ever received about fatherhood? Don’t project your consequences on your children. This means you shouldn’t expect that the consequences of your children’s behavior will mimic or result in the same consequences as similar behavior that you engaged in (e.g. I did “x” and it didn’t result in a bad outcome; therefore, if my child does the same thing it won’t result in a bad outcome.)
What's a good day to you as a dad? When I see a teachable moment and use it to engage one of my children in a meaningful conversation that teaches them an important value, moral, or lesson.
What's the one thing you always carry with you? Wallet
What's one thing you wish you could do more? Play golf and go on physically active vacations. My idea of leisure is to be active.
What man most changed your life? Gilbert Kushner. He was one of my graduate school professors at the University of South Florida.
He challenged me to think and write creatively, to trust my intuition, and to challenge myself professionally unlike any teacher I’ve ever had.
What's your most memorable moment as a dad? It would probably be cliché to say the birth of my children. There are so many memorable moments.
The moment I’ll choose is the time soon after we acquired our first rescue dog. My youngest daughter was only 2 years old. We were playing together with the dog and somehow startled the dog. The dog accidentally cut the face and eye of my daughter. There was blood everywhere.
Fortunately, two EMTs lived a few doors down. I rushed my daughter over there and they quickly bandaged her head and took us to the hospital.
To thoroughly examine my daughter, the emergency-room physician and nurses had to tie down my daughter on a papoose because she was so upset and thrashing about.
Fortunately, the physician determined the dog had only scratched the inside of her eyelid and not the eye.
During the time we rushed her to the hospital and the doctor examined her, all I could think about was how guilty I felt for allowing this to happen and prayed her eye would not be damaged. I felt incredible relief and gratitude when I learned she was okay.
My daughter still has a scar over her eye that reminds me of that moment.
What’s one thing your dad always taught you? In an inadvertent way, to be there for my children and family.
At this stage of fatherhood, what do you most look forward to as a dad? Seeing my girls grow into mature, compassionate, successful women who will pursue their dreams and interests.
Remember, dad deserves more than one day!
Wondering what to get Dad for Father's Day? Instead of adding to his tie collection, give a gift that will make a difference and celebrate his impact in your life.
My son was sitting in his car seat as we drove home from day care at the end of a long day. He was holding his lunch bag in his hand. He always has to have something in this hand… Then, something about the lunch bag suddenly annoyed him, so he frantically threw it down, it landed on his legs, and he kicked vigorously to make sure it ended up on the floor of the car. Then he was quiet. We listened to music in silence for the rest of the 15-minute drive home.
This happens a lot with Little Vinny. He is a bundle of emotions, needing only the slightest prompt for him to erupt into an emotional – happy, sad, angry, annoyed – storm for the next… 5 seconds.
Yes, it is true. My son has the shortest emotional outbursts I have ever seen in a human being. He is a “match.” Doesn’t take much to light it, it burns bright and hot for a few seconds, and then it is out, with little sign that anything ever happened.
I have only had one two-year-old son in my life, and I have never spent more than a few minutes with any other two-year-old, so I am certainly not an expert on toddler temperaments. But my guess is that there are lots of two-year-olds like mine.
But I have also heard stories of two-year-olds who are not matches, but “torches.” They are not set off too easily, but when they are, they burn for a long time. They stew and fuss and are moody and unbearable for minutes or hours.
I am not sure what is “better,” a match or a torch. The good thing about my son is that he rarely is in a bad mood for more than a few minutes. But he can go from being in a good mood to a bad mood so quickly and for the silliest reasons. On the other hand, he can go from bad mood to good mood quickly, too.
A torch on the other hand would be “easier” in that his or her moods would be more stable. No emotional roller coasters from minute to minute. “Oh, Johnny is in a good mood today. Great.” At our house, it’s, “Vinny is in a good mood right now. Great.” But with torches, I would imagine it could be stressful to know that your child is in “one of his moods” that may last for hours. We never have that problem with Vinny.
What is your child – a match or a torch? What do you think is easier to handle for parents?
You know the guy. He’s a friend of yours. Everyone knows the guy who’d rather play video games 24/7 and live in his parents’ basement. You know, the guy who takes the storyline behind his favorite board game a wee bit too seriously. Yeah, you know the guy, as do I. I think I’ve figured out what makes this guy different from the one not living in his parents’ basement.
This difference is explored in Philip G. Zimbardo’s new research and book The Demise of Guys, which reveals things we’ve thought for years, but just haven’t talked about - that guys are “flaming out.”
Zimbardo’s most recent article in Psychology Today and his TedTalk say much about this generation of boys. Zimbardo uses vocabulary like “undermotivated” and “emotional disturbances” and points out the guy we all know, the guy who doesn’t play well with others, has no girlfriend or very little friends at all. This is tragic for sure. Guys who aren’t doing well in school and are socially inept probably aren’t on the fast track to success.
So what’s behind this research? Zimbardo says in his talk he doesn’t have the answers; he’s simply done the research and can now reserves the right to complain about this phenomenon. However, in Zimbardo’s complaining, he brings great insight into the core issue.
Zimbardo says we’re not asking the right questions when it comes to these young men and their motivations. The fact is, it’s not that these young men aren’t motivated at all, they’re just not “motivated the same way guys used to be,” says Zimbardo. He says society wants guys to be “upstanding, proactive citizens who take responsibility for themselves, who work with others to improve their communities and nation as a whole.”
Commenting on his own research, Zimbardo continues, “The irony is that society is not giving the support, means or places for these young men to even be motivated or interested in aspiring to these things.” He says media and education and society at large are the problems. Society is the “major contributor to this demise because [it is] inhibiting guys’ intellectual, creative and social abilities right from the start.” The result is young men with a lack of purpose, basic social skills, who live off of their parents.
Once a man finds a mate, problems really start. Many young men who manage to find a spouse carry entitlement issues and add little value to the relationship. Zimbardo rightly points to Hollywood films to describe these boys. Films like Failure to Launch, Hall Pass and Role Models (I added Role Models, Zimbardo hasn’t seen that movie yet!) present men as “living only for mindless fun and intricate but never-realized plans to get laid,” says Zimbardo.
While I think Zimbardo’s research does well to reveal the problem, the solution isn’t adapting some societal strategy to make men out of boys by retraining society to not inhibit them. Society has its issues, of course. But the problem, in my eyes, lies with the boy. There’s a difference between a boy and a man. Always has been, always will be. If you have no plan to leave your parents’ house, you’re a boy. If you don’t relate to women as equals, you’re a boy. If you aren’t emotionally able to cherish your wife, you’re a boy. If you play video games 24/7 and you’re not actually designing the games, you’re just a boy without a purpose.
Therefore, I don’t blame media, society or women – I blame father absence.
Boys learn the kinds of behaviors Zimbardo talks about from their fathers. We live in an age of mass father absence. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 24 million children in America -- one out of three -- live in biological father-absent homes. Two in three African American children live in father-absent homes. Consequently, there is a "father factor" in nearly all of the social issues facing America today. From poverty, maternal and child health, incarceration, crime, teen pregnancy, child abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, education, and childhood obesity – fatherhood changes these issues, for good or ill.
Every generation has its things to watch out for. Sure, this generation has seen a “rise of technology enchantment” as Zimbardo points out. I certainly have more technology-related temptations than my father did. Each generation has its forms of seduction. This generation’s may be video games and online porn. My father’s temptations may have been print magazines and watching too many sports on TV. All I know is that the temptation to live for oneself will always be with us – it is part of the human condition.
The difference, though, today is that fewer and fewer boys have the stabilizing presence of an involved, responsible, and committed father in their lives to help them navigate a world of temptations and make the transition from self-centeredness to other-centeredness – the transition from boyhood to manhood. The “demise of guys” is really, at its root, the absence of fathers.
What do you think?
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