During the month of June, NFI plans to Celebrate Father's Month! That's right, month. We think dads deserve more than one day! During June, we will get to know NFI dads and learn how to celebrate fathers more than one day. Meet our first NFI dad below:
Name: Chris Brown
NFI Team: Executive Team
Number of kids & ages: 2 girls, ages 17 and 14
What's the lamest gift you ever gave your dad? I honestly don’t remember.
What's the best piece of advice you've ever received about fatherhood? Don’t project your consequences on your children. This means you shouldn’t expect that the consequences of your children’s behavior will mimic or result in the same consequences as similar behavior that you engaged in (e.g. I did “x” and it didn’t result in a bad outcome; therefore, if my child does the same thing it won’t result in a bad outcome.)
What's a good day to you as a dad? When I see a teachable moment and use it to engage one of my children in a meaningful conversation that teaches them an important value, moral, or lesson.
What's the one thing you always carry with you? Wallet
What's one thing you wish you could do more? Play golf and go on physically active vacations. My idea of leisure is to be active.
What man most changed your life? Gilbert Kushner. He was one of my graduate school professors at the University of South Florida.
He challenged me to think and write creatively, to trust my intuition, and to challenge myself professionally unlike any teacher I’ve ever had.
What's your most memorable moment as a dad? It would probably be cliché to say the birth of my children. There are so many memorable moments.
The moment I’ll choose is the time soon after we acquired our first rescue dog. My youngest daughter was only 2 years old. We were playing together with the dog and somehow startled the dog. The dog accidentally cut the face and eye of my daughter. There was blood everywhere.
Fortunately, two EMTs lived a few doors down. I rushed my daughter over there and they quickly bandaged her head and took us to the hospital.
To thoroughly examine my daughter, the emergency-room physician and nurses had to tie down my daughter on a papoose because she was so upset and thrashing about.
Fortunately, the physician determined the dog had only scratched the inside of her eyelid and not the eye.
During the time we rushed her to the hospital and the doctor examined her, all I could think about was how guilty I felt for allowing this to happen and prayed her eye would not be damaged. I felt incredible relief and gratitude when I learned she was okay.
My daughter still has a scar over her eye that reminds me of that moment.
What’s one thing your dad always taught you? In an inadvertent way, to be there for my children and family.
At this stage of fatherhood, what do you most look forward to as a dad? Seeing my girls grow into mature, compassionate, successful women who will pursue their dreams and interests.
Remember, dad deserves more than one day!
Wondering what to get Dad for Father's Day? Instead of adding to his tie collection, give a gift that will make a difference and celebrate his impact in your life.
You know the guy. He’s a friend of yours. Everyone knows the guy who’d rather play video games 24/7 and live in his parents’ basement. You know, the guy who takes the storyline behind his favorite board game a wee bit too seriously. Yeah, you know the guy, as do I. I think I’ve figured out what makes this guy different from the one not living in his parents’ basement.
This difference is explored in Philip G. Zimbardo’s new research and book The Demise of Guys, which reveals things we’ve thought for years, but just haven’t talked about - that guys are “flaming out.”
Zimbardo’s most recent article in Psychology Today and his TedTalk say much about this generation of boys. Zimbardo uses vocabulary like “undermotivated” and “emotional disturbances” and points out the guy we all know, the guy who doesn’t play well with others, has no girlfriend or very little friends at all. This is tragic for sure. Guys who aren’t doing well in school and are socially inept probably aren’t on the fast track to success.
So what’s behind this research? Zimbardo says in his talk he doesn’t have the answers; he’s simply done the research and can now reserves the right to complain about this phenomenon. However, in Zimbardo’s complaining, he brings great insight into the core issue.
Zimbardo says we’re not asking the right questions when it comes to these young men and their motivations. The fact is, it’s not that these young men aren’t motivated at all, they’re just not “motivated the same way guys used to be,” says Zimbardo. He says society wants guys to be “upstanding, proactive citizens who take responsibility for themselves, who work with others to improve their communities and nation as a whole.”
Commenting on his own research, Zimbardo continues, “The irony is that society is not giving the support, means or places for these young men to even be motivated or interested in aspiring to these things.” He says media and education and society at large are the problems. Society is the “major contributor to this demise because [it is] inhibiting guys’ intellectual, creative and social abilities right from the start.” The result is young men with a lack of purpose, basic social skills, who live off of their parents.
Once a man finds a mate, problems really start. Many young men who manage to find a spouse carry entitlement issues and add little value to the relationship. Zimbardo rightly points to Hollywood films to describe these boys. Films like Failure to Launch, Hall Pass and Role Models (I added Role Models, Zimbardo hasn’t seen that movie yet!) present men as “living only for mindless fun and intricate but never-realized plans to get laid,” says Zimbardo.
While I think Zimbardo’s research does well to reveal the problem, the solution isn’t adapting some societal strategy to make men out of boys by retraining society to not inhibit them. Society has its issues, of course. But the problem, in my eyes, lies with the boy. There’s a difference between a boy and a man. Always has been, always will be. If you have no plan to leave your parents’ house, you’re a boy. If you don’t relate to women as equals, you’re a boy. If you aren’t emotionally able to cherish your wife, you’re a boy. If you play video games 24/7 and you’re not actually designing the games, you’re just a boy without a purpose.
Therefore, I don’t blame media, society or women – I blame father absence.
Boys learn the kinds of behaviors Zimbardo talks about from their fathers. We live in an age of mass father absence. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 24 million children in America -- one out of three -- live in biological father-absent homes. Two in three African American children live in father-absent homes. Consequently, there is a "father factor" in nearly all of the social issues facing America today. From poverty, maternal and child health, incarceration, crime, teen pregnancy, child abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, education, and childhood obesity – fatherhood changes these issues, for good or ill.
Every generation has its things to watch out for. Sure, this generation has seen a “rise of technology enchantment” as Zimbardo points out. I certainly have more technology-related temptations than my father did. Each generation has its forms of seduction. This generation’s may be video games and online porn. My father’s temptations may have been print magazines and watching too many sports on TV. All I know is that the temptation to live for oneself will always be with us – it is part of the human condition.
The difference, though, today is that fewer and fewer boys have the stabilizing presence of an involved, responsible, and committed father in their lives to help them navigate a world of temptations and make the transition from self-centeredness to other-centeredness – the transition from boyhood to manhood. The “demise of guys” is really, at its root, the absence of fathers.
What do you think?
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Nothing prepares you for fatherhood. When I say nothing, I mean nothing.
Read a book before having kids, have kids, and then let me know how it works out for you. You can learn all kinds of things about parenting before becoming a parent, but until you actually have kids, you don’t know what you don’t know.
I had no idea what was coming my way when each of the two beautiful princesses you see in this image came into my life.
I speaketh from experience. I’ve been a dad for five years. Five years! Actually, I’ve been a dad for seven years cumulatively. But who’s counting? I can’t believe it. My, oh my, where does the time go?
With all my seven years of cumulative parenting comes experience. I know things I never knew I would ever know. Dads, you know what I’m talking about. Some things can’t be un-learned. For example, tossing your first-born daughter in the air repeatedly after she’s ingested large quantities of popcorn and milk isn’t the best idea ever. I’ll save the discussion of projectile vomiting for future posts. For now, know that popcorn/milk/tossing-your-kid-in-the-air is likened to the Mentos and soda experiment – results do not vary.
Speaking of daughters, I am blessed with two daughters, ages five and two. They are the most precious things in my life (in addition to my wife, of course). They make my life difficult, fun, interesting, and sometimes annoying -- but always better.
You will hear more than you ever wanted to know about each of them in the coming posts. The above image was taken on Father’s Day last year. I was new to Washington, DC and new to baseball actually. I’m pretty sure it was my daughters who told me the “Washington Nationals are the best team ever.” So, last Father’s Day I got to see the “greatest baseball team ever” play baseball and did so with the two cuties pictured above.
The above photo is a metaphor for my role at NFI. Stay with me here. I promise to be genuine with this platform, less stock-parenting photos and more realness. If you notice, I’m smiling in the picture. That’s because most days, I smile. But also notice this image isn’t perfectly done in a studio, because parenting isn’t done in a studio under perfect lighting with a team of directors all working to get your kids facing the camera (On second thought, a team of directors would've been helpful for this image, but I digress.).
Before joining NFI, I was in leadership at churches in Tennessee and Virginia. Born and raised in Tennessee, for several years after undergrad I was a writer and editor for a large publisher in Nashville. Most recently, I served in communications as a writer at Prison Fellowship Ministries (PFM). I hold a Bachelor of Science in Psychology and a Master of Divinity. I had the privilege of studying under Charles Colson for a 13-month fellowship called the Centurions Program. Through Chuck, I experienced living proof that individuals can shape culture.
Writing at PFM, I learned the impact of incarceration on families and communities. Knowing 1 in every 31 adults in America is under correctional control changes why you wake up in the morning. Knowing most of the people behind bars either had an incarcerated father or are fathers themselves should change our actions and commitments. More than ever, I understand we must educate and enlist fathers to be dads – not only in prisons – but all around us. As fatherhood goes, so goes society, for good or bad.
I’m excited to be on the NFI team, contributing to and stirring the fatherhood conversation. I’ve been a father long enough to learn a thing or two – long enough to make a few mistakes and do a few things correctly.
Looking at the above image, I can’t believe a full year has passed since last Father’s Day. Time really does fly; we’re all busy with our daily routines. But I’m excited in hopes of connecting with other dads who are sharing the same pressures, worries and all things in between. I’m learning about fatherhood as I go; let’s learn from each other – especially from our mistakes! Stay tuned for my mistakes; I’ll be sure to write about them. I may also throw in a victory or two now and then.
Connect with me on Twitter. I promise I’ll reply to all tweets.